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Can a Relationship Work If there is no Sexual Attraction?

Can a Relationship Work If there is no Sexual Attraction?

Can a Relationship Work If there is no Sexual Attraction?

Once we get into romantic relationships, we expect to experience sexual attraction. As a marriage counsellor, I counsel couples where one partner claimed they had no sexual attraction to their partner. If you marry without experiencing this attraction, it may bring out problems in future in your marriage.

One time, my friend whom we had studied together in college was in such a dilemma. She was not sexually attracted to her longtime boyfriend and fiancé. She then met this young man at her workplace that she claimed to have fallen in love with.

The sexual attraction with the young man was so strong she was contemplating leaving her long term boyfriend. She approached me, and I will tell you this was one of my toughest cases.

For all romantic relationships, they need love to flourish. Love may not be the first feeling we get when we meet our potential lovers. You may get drawn to how someone talks, how they present themselves and later develop a sexual attraction towards them. These feelings may later be defined as love, and a romantic relationship may crop up.

Let’s look at some reasons why you may not be having sexual attraction towards your partner

You have not given the relationship enough time.

Sexual attraction takes some time for some people to develop. As a counsellor, I have seen people who claim to have developed a sexual attraction immediately after they met. Some other people may take a while, and this dragging of the sexual attraction has its benefits.

As much as you get to admire a person physically, you should take time to understand and bond with them mentally. When your mind feels attracted to this person, so will your physical body, and your sexual attraction may grow.

The typical Romeo and Juliet attraction rarely happens in real life. If you feel that you have not yet developed a sexual attraction to a potential partner, give it some more time. Go for dates and mentally connect as you enjoy other activities together. The more you bond, the more you will get attracted sexually to them.

You have more valuable things than sexual attraction.

If you find that you have given the relationship enough time, but no sexual feelings seem to develop, recheck your priorities. You might be with someone you love other things about them and give less attention to the sexual attraction between you two.

In some cultures, you get married to a person because of other factors like treaties, wealth, education, or a certain family’s social status. If you happen to be in such a situation, the sexual attraction may be strained since all emphasis get put on other factors. To reach a sexual attraction in such a state, you will need to realize this between you.

You may then work towards developing a relationship different from your uniting factors. By going on dinners frequently, getting to learn each other mentally and physically, you may create a connection.  In this regard, it will take a lot of commitment from the two engaging parties to reach a state of sexual attraction.

If you entered into the relationship to fulfill different needs.

Sometimes people get into relationships due to other pressing things. In this regard, you may have entered the relationship to:

  • Get some security. This situation may happen if you needed a partner when you were experiencing financial or other security needs.

  • You may enter a relationship for stability purposes. Some people get into relationships to feel stable in one way or the other. It might be emotional or materialistic.

  • Some others enter into relationships for emotional support during times of crisis.

If this happens, you may learn that you don’t have a sexual attraction to your partner, which needs to be a natural feeling. The other reasons take prevalence in your relationship. You need to accept this and work towards creating the missing attraction because the other person might have an attraction on their part.

Most often, one party feels unattracted while the other person in the relationship feels different. If you find that you may be to blame due to your other prevailing needs, you may walk with a counsellor and learn how to develop those missing feelings. It might be possible to get attracted after some time and dedication.

 If you don’t get sexual attraction after trying everything, you might end or stay in the relationship. It now becomes a personal choice.

You might still be stuck in your past relationships.

Once you get a new partner, it helps to treat them differently. Comparing your past life with previous lovers may wreck your relationship. If you saw misfits in previous relationships and trying rectifying them in the new or current relationships, you may end up messing your relationship.

Try to find the reason behind your sexual in-attraction to your part. If you point out this fact, stop the comparison and perfect. Love your current partner for who they will be, and you will notice the change in sexual attraction.

How can I fix it when I am not sexually attracted to my partner?

After finding the reason behind not being sexually attracted to your spouse, you should fix it. Most people stay in relationships without sexual attraction for various reasons. Do you know that some say they stay because they have children together? Others stay to retain their reputation in the society or whatever other reason.

But this relationship always hangs in the balance because you might all meet other people you feel sexually attracted to. So if you find a way you may save the situation, always try it out. The following tips may help you develop that important attraction.

  • Walk with a professional counsellor. If you feel that counselling may help you, try it out. If your partner feels the same way, not being attracted to you, you might get relationship/marriage counselling together. Some people get here due to infidelity issues which, once tackled by a professional, you get your spark back.

  • Talk to your partner. You may be experiencing this situation alone and puts the relationship at risk. If you got attracted to a different person, the relationship could end badly. To prevent this problem, it always helps to talk to your partner. You may solve things together and succeed in getting help.

  • If you find that nothing seems to help, then talk to your partner about it. Sometimes, it may not hurt to go on separate ways to protect each other’s feelings. To avoid wasting your partner’s time and causing a bigger heartbreak on later days, it might help sorting your emotions early enough. It might be easy to part ways with fewer commitments. Always learn to be honest with yourself.

Final thought

Having no sexual attraction in a relationship may threaten the existence of any romantic relationship. Sex serves as a bonding exercise to the relationship. If you find the reason behind the lack of this important feeling of attraction, you should look for a solution. The various methods to cope with such a situation will help you find your joy.

If you choose to stay in the relationship, take it as a personal decision and improve your situation. It may mean learning and discovering your lover all over again. If you manage to get sexually attracted to your partner once more, you will find a good thing.   

Share your failed no sexual attraction story here


Can not having sex ruin a relationship?

In most cases, relationships with no trust lead to a place where sexual intimacy vanishes. Lack of trust itself will ruin the relationship. So yes, not having sex may ruin a relationship.

What do you call a sexless relationship?

It may be hard to define a sexless relationship. Researchers find it a relationship where you had no sex or fewer than ten sex encounters in the past year.

How often should couples have sex?

Experts tend to think it’s a once in a week encounter, with age being a contributing factor. Young couples may have sex twice a week, with elder couples engaging in sex once a week.

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